On secure attachment
How routine and reliable leadership shape puppies and humans alike
Bonjour! Grab a cozy seat! This week, I am reflecting on secure attachment through the eyes of our newest family member and puppy, Tilly!! Watching her settle into our home has reminded me how much routine, reliability, and calm leadership shape nervous systems - whether you’re a pupper, a toddler, or an adult.
And OUI, I’ve included some journal/therapy prompts, so you can get to work on… le process!
allons-y!
katherine
les essentiels:
love, katherine: lessons from Tilly
rooted in psychology: secure attachments, explained
le process: exploring your own routines and leadership
love, katherine
Our house has a brand new member! Her name is Tilly. She’s a sweet-but-sassy, 12-week-old rescue from the Labelle Foundation, and she is so stinkin’ cute.
We think she’s a Chihuahua–Spaniel mix, but I’ll save a future article for her doggy DNA reveal.
She’s also brand new to the world, which means everything is unfamiliar: the floors, the doors, the sounds outside, and the feeling of being alone.
A friend asked how we’re helping her acclimate, and after joking about “no pee pads!!!” — for real, they prolong potty training — the real answer became clear: we’re helping her through routine.
As a tiny, growing being, Tilly needs repetition and predictability. She needs to know when she’ll eat, sleep, go outside, play, etc.
And so far, it’s working! We’re seeing fewer accidents, longer sleep stretches, and LOTS of personality. Not because we’ve explained anything to her (lol I wish), but because we’ve shown her, again and again, what to expect.
As a psychodynamic therapist, I also know Tilly isn’t learning routine for structure’s sake. She’s learning who to orient toward when the world feels big — and that those people are safe, reliable leaders.
Tilly is learning that when she’s hungry, we feed her; that when she’s tired, she is encouraged to sleep in her crate or our bed; that when we leave for a bit, we come back.
This is where attachment theory lives.
Tilly’s attachment is forming through our reliability. This teaches her that the world — at the hands of her parents — is safe enough to relax into.
Watching this has been quietly profound, because humans aren’t all that different. Our nervous systems thrive on predictability, responsiveness, and the knowledge that someone reliable will return.
rooted in psychology
Attachment theory explains how humans (and animals) are biologically wired to seek safety through relationships.
John Bowlby described secure attachment as knowing that a trusted figure is available and responsive, especially in moments of uncertainty.
As a child, your relationship with your parent influences your blueprint for relationships; if they were a sturdy, consistent parent, you operate from a secure attachment style (future articles will cover styles such as anxious, avoidant, and anxious-avoidant).
Your early attachment style influences your relationships. As an adult, if your attachment was secure, you become your own sturdy leader. If not, your sturdy leader might be a safe person - a parent, partner, therapist, etc.
And in good news, those leaders can help you build security through corrective experiences. These are the people who show up for you, again and again.
The takeaway for you:
Routine is regulation. Prioritize consistent sleep, meals, movement, and connection. Psychologists call this felt safety, which sends a clear message to the nervous system: You don’t have to stay on high alert. You can relax.
Sturdy (reliable) leadership enables growth. Research shows that secure attachment enables independence. When there is routine, sturdy leadership, the nervous system settles. When we feel safe to grow, we do grow: curiosity increases, regulation improves, personality emerges.
creative pause
Some visuals from this week’s color story to relax your eyes (and nervous system) on before we focus on you *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
le process
le process is about you forming your own. You are here to remember who you are and what you’ve known all along. Here’s something I’d like you to consider:
Journal Prompts:
Where in my life do I feel most regulated and settled right now? What routines, people, or rhythms contribute to that feeling?
For you & your therapist:
Reflect on how secure attachment has shown up (or been missing) in my relationships, and how that shapes my nervous system today.
bisous!